jenney’s poem

11 Dec

I did not come to you perfect.

Perhaps I was born perfect

as all children are thought to be,

but I was not destined to stay

complete in my innocence,

secure in my fragile,

sublime, and

undisturbed  youth.

Like you, I was picked

Up from the riverbed,

Smooth and pure

And gleaming,

and

Chosen for something

Other than a lifetime

Of soft experiences

And mild exchanges.

I was perfect but I

Was reimagined as

A plaything and

Hurled without

Warning into a

Brutal and extensive

Reckoning with the

world’s  dark teachers:

Bigotry and Ignorance,

Intolerance and Hate.

I wanted to stay perfect.

Pink and mewling,

Tender and untested,

The milk of love

fed to me

In a sweet

And unremitting

Stream.

Instead, I was cracked

Against the rocks and

Shell-scattered,

Bloody and pulsing,

Twisting in the ache

Of my soul’s deep and

Unrequited needs.

I wanted to be perfect,

But I couldn’t be perfect.

Damaged and betrayed,

Bitter and haunted,

I had to struggle onward

And gather my wreckage

And recreate a place within

Myself where I could construct

A stable and gentle pathway to

A greater identity and peace.

I did not come to you perfect.

And you did not want me perfect.

You wanted me bold in all my

Mess and glory, unapologetic

And unashamed, secure in my own

Worthiness , brave and unafraid.

You wanted the warm and rhythmic

beat of me,  the rich and fragrant

earth of me, the full and unchecked

power of all my intensity and heat.

You did not want me perfect,

You wanted me attentive and listening,

Able to hear your words and carry

Them, unresisting to their weight.

You wanted me decent and forgiving,

Fully present and awake,

released from self-defeating memories

of vindictiveness and blame.

You did not want me perfect,

You wanted me consistent in my

Kindness and unreserved in my regard,

Able to see your beauty clearly

And be at ease with your mistakes.

You wanted me to cherish the inner

Child of you but respect the inner

Warrior, to rejoice in my day to day

Life with you but forgive my moments

of restlessness and fear. You did not want

me perfect, you wanted me whole and flawed and

healing, able to look back and recognize my

story as the fuel  for my integrity and

strength.  You wanted me relaxed and amused

and laughing, able to look at this sometimes strange

and unjust  world as a playground of

delight.  You wanted me

treasured and connected,

guiltless and accepted,

sheltered in the care of you,

confident in the truth of you,

empowered by my trust of you,

dancing to the music of my

fierce and boundless pride of you.

You did not want me perfect.

You wanted me safe and loved and protected.

You wanted me as I wanted you…

As you are.

 

– Jenney Pauer

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One Response to “jenney’s poem”

  1. Nathan Tompkins December 12, 2012 at 6:09 am #

    Wow, Jenney…that is amazing. I have no words to say but wow.

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